Chapter 9
Develop Your Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence (E.Q)
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High IQ is a poor predictor
of success in life.
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Goleman – IQ
contributes at most 20% of the factors leading to success in life.
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The other 80% comes from “emotional
intelligence.”
Gardner’s description
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1. Leadership skills
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2. The ability to make
friends and nurture relationships.
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3. The ability to resolve
conflicts.
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4. Emotional perceptiveness
Goleman’s categories
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1. Self-awareness – knowing your
own emotions, self-insight and knowing
your own needs.
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2. Managing your emotions – mastering stress, controlling anger overcoming depression and anxiety etc.
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3. Self-motivation –
perseverance, delay of gratification,
staying focused on tasks.
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4. Perceptiveness – recognizing
the emotions of others and also
the effect of your behavior on others,
EMPATHY, recognizing nonverbal cues.
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5. Handling relationships – listening
skills, conversational skills,
conflict resolution, appropriate
assertiveness.
From Independence to
Interdependence
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Interdependence
– the relationship when two or more independent
individuals decide to work together to achieve a common goal. Working as a team to satisfy mutual
interests. (synergy) Involves mutual respect and a workable division of labor.
Requires independence first.
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Co-dependency
– dependency in a relationship based on the fear that
one could not survive alone. Situations
are often manipulated to keep the other person dependent on one.
The Win-Win Frame
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Finding a solution that
meets the needs of everyone involved, going beyond mere compromise to find
solutions that allow everyone to meet their goals.
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Research (prisoner’s dilemma)
clearly shows cooperation leads to greater success than does win-lose
competition.
Outcomes
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Win-Lose or Lose-Win
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Lose-Lose
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Win-Win or no deal
Barriers to Win-Win
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People don’t know about
that method
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Anger or resentment
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Require cooperation of the
other person
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Effective people look for
win-win situations and solutions.
Attitudes for Win-Win
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Trust through the emotional
bank account
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Behaviors that build trust
and make positive contributions to the emotional bank account
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Understand the Individual
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Attend to the little things
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Keep Your Commitments
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Clarify Your Expectations
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Show Personal Integrity
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Apologize Sincerely When
you are Wrong
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Giving Up Being Right
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Effective people would
rather be happy than right.
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If involved in an interpersonal
struggle ask yourself, “Would I rather be right or
happy?”
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Not taking the “right” position
doesn’t mean you are wrong!
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Stepping Into the Shoes of
The Other
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Try to see the world
through the eyes of the other person
When Not To Try For Win-Win
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Consider giving in to the
other person and accepting a lose-win outcome when
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You discover you are wrong
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The issue is very important
to the other person and not important to you
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Other people need to learn
a valuable lesson by making a mistake
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The long term cost of
winning out weighs the short term gain of it.
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Consider a compromise when
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Sufficient time does not
exist to craft a win-win solution.
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The issue is not important
enough to spend time in further negotiation.
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The other person is
definitely not open to win-win.
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Consider competing and
going for a win-lose outcome when
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The issue is very important
to you, the other person is certain to take advantage of you if you approach
the situation in a noncompetitive fashion, and you are really not concerned
with a long term relationship.
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Consider cooperation and
trying for a win-win outcome when
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The issue is too vital to
settle for a compromise.
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A long term relationship is
at stake or in jeopardy.
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The other person is willing
to cooperate.
Conflict Resolution
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Acknowledge/Identify the
Problem
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Agree on a Date and a
Procedure
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Describe Your Problem and
Your Needs
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Seriously consider the
Other Party’s Point of View
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Explore Possible Solutions
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Evaluate and Negotiate
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Enact the Solution and
Follow-Up
The Nature of Anger
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Stress leads to an increase
in anger
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Anger is adaptive for
survival
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It must be modulated in the
modern world
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The frustration-aggression
hypothesis
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Catharsis
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Modeling
Factors in Violence
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A previous
history of violence
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Having
been physically abused in childhood
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Having
witnessed violence in the home as a child
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A history
of harming animals as a child
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Heavy
exposure to violent TV and video games
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Absence of
remorse over hurting others
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Family
history of mental illness or violence
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Brain
damage
Physiology of Anger
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Amygdyla – part of the brain controlling emotionality,
particularly anger.
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Neocortex – part of the brain involved in higher level reasoning
and planning.
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Amygdala
can trigger the flight/fight response in reaction to perceived danger,
bypassing the neocortex.
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When in a
heightened state of arousal from this it is easier for later situations to
trigger more arousal (anger) even trivial situations.
Attribution and Anger
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Labeling the feelings of
arousal determines what we end up consciously experiencing.
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Schacter and Singer (1962)
demonstrated attribution theory, which states that how e label our emotions is
based on our internal and external environments.
Anger and Type A Personality
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The general Type A
characteristics of being hard driving and competitive etc. are not bad for
health if anger and hostility is not present also.
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Brooding resentment,
suspicion, and frequent angry outbursts are very damaging to health.
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Cathartic expression of
anger often reinforces rather than diminishes it.
Learning to Control Anger
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Become
self-aware, cultivate the witnessing stance.
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Interrupt
angry thoughts. (thought stopping)
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Cultivate
empathy.
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Learn to
laugh at yourself.
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Practice
active relaxation techniques.
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Improve
your listening skills.
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Take the
risk to trust others.
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Practice
the art of forgiving others.
Reframing to Reduce Anger
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Look for comedy.
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The “Grand Drama” viewpoint.
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A Chapter in Your Life.
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Viewing Criticism as
Feedback.
Forgiveness
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Forgiveness is not
forgetting what happened or condoning what happened that you disagree with.
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It is the letting go of the
energy invested in past hurts or disappointments that is negatively affecting
your well-being.
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Chinese proverb, “When setting
forth on a mission of revenge, first dig two graves.”
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Ultimately,
Forgiveness is more for your own well-being than for others!!!